A Cat's Perspective
Starring Chester the Magnificent
Hello, I’m Chester. I’ll be doing the essay this week for What’s-His-Name. I don’t know if he went off on one of his benders or what. Perhaps it is about time his readers get something actually interesting to read, from a feline point of view, instead of his usual human BS.
Anyway, as I mentioned, my name is Chester and I’m seven years old (in human years). My earliest memory is of being in jail. I have no idea why I was there. I was only a kitten, what heinous infraction of law could I have committed? Still, there I was, stuck in a wire cage.
One day, What’s-His-Name and a really nice woman I’ve come to know as “Mom”, came by my cell, took me out, and petted me and scratched me in all the right places. I got very excited about not being in jail anymore. Then they put me back in the cage.
A few days later, Mom came back and somebody stuffed me into an even smaller cage and took me outside and put me in a car. I remember this as being super scary. We were moving, but I could not see where we were going. At least, when I was in jail, my cell did not move. The sensation was terrifying and I admit I cried a little.
After a while, we stopped and Mom carried me into a small but nice house. She opened my cage, but I was kind of afraid of all the newness. However, I was happy to be out of jail and it began to dawn on me that Mom and What’s-His-Name had sprung me from the slammer and brought me to their house. I eased my way out of the cage and started to explore my new surroundings. I was very curious about my new home.
I soon discovered that two really old cats were already living there. One was called TJ, the other was Lucy. They hissed at me at first but soon decided I wasn’t worth wasting their energy on, so they more or less accepted me.
I had only been in my new home a few months when one day I noticed that TJ was not around anymore. After several more months, Lucy was gone, too. Maybe they ran away or found other places to live. I don’t know what happened to them. Maybe they crossed the rainbow bridge? They were really old, after all. Sometimes I wonder where they went.
I was here for about ten months when Pearl came to live with us. She was a year younger than me (in human years). She was just a kitten, while by then I was already a big boy. We have been together for almost six years now and I consider her to be my little sister. We get along well most of the time. Occasionally, she needs to be reminded who is in charge around here. That would be me, of course.
For my first few years here, Mom and What’s-His-Name went away almost every morning, like maybe five times a week. Then they would come back early in the evening. And it was nice. No arbitrary rules to follow, no magic picture box blaring loud noises, it was quiet and restful.
Then, Mom started staying home all the time, and that was cool, too. She is as nice a human as a cat could have. She likes to have the magic picture box on all day, so that was an adjustment, but just knowing she is here, even if we are off in another room, well, it is very comforting. She speaks to us very kindly and is always willing to provide a warm lap whenever we need it.
As for What’s-His-Name, oh, he’s okay, I guess. Apparently, he’s in charge of dishing out our food and cleaning our toilets, so he does provide value. And, he’s very good with the petting and scratches and head rubs. He has a lot of rules, though. And, he is a hollerer when we run afoul of those arbitrary, made-up rules, which is kind of annoying. What’s even worse is that now he’s home all the time, too. It’s a big adjustment for all of us.
What’s-His-Name seems very needy. He practically begs me to sit on his lap, for example. I prefer Mom’s lap to his any day, but maybe a couple of times a year I sit in his lap, just to mess with him. Another thing I like to do is to give him a hard staredown at suppertime. Then, when he puts the food in the dish, I walk away. It is hilarious to see him become exasperated. He’s such an easy mark. Manipulating him for my amusement is such fun.
While I have this forum, I would like to take this opportunity to address the issue of superiority. Namely, the superiority of felines to humans. Oh, I know there are certain things that you do better than us. You and your opposable thumbs and big brains and walking upright and all. Humans can make some pretty amazing machines and stuff. Heck, I won’t be surprised if humans someday are able to fly around in one of their machines.
But, as far as being superior to felines? Obviously, no. People might be superior to the common canine, but, let’s face it, that is a pretty low bar. Canines are the lowest of the low.
Need proof of feline superiority? Okay, consider this - our humans provide our food, shelter, and security. They clean our toilets. They clean our food bowls and provide fresh water. They have given us many toys to play with and our humans even pick them up and put them away for us. We have blankets and pillows and beds to sleep on all over the house, but they don’t mind a bit if we sleep on their big, comfortable bed, as they are more than willingly to share their furniture with us. They always have time for us if we want attention. And they seem devoted to our happiness.
And, what do Pearl and I do? If I’m being truthful? Well, we don’t do a darned thing. We just live our lives, and do what we want, when we want. That’s it.
So, given the evidence, which is the superior species? It seems quite apparent that this is a cat’s world.
All right, I guess that is all I have to say. Until next time. What’s-His-Name will be back next week with yet another of his little essays. I’m sure it will be . . . adequate.
I think it is time for a nap. A cat nap, of course.
