Being a Trophy Husband Ain’t Easy

We All Have Crosses to Bear

Being a trophy husband is cool and all, but truthfully, it ain’t always easy. It’s a lot to live up to, you know? Sometimes, I just want to blend in with everyone else, instead of attracting attention with my movie star good looks and rakish charm.

What? You think I’m bullshitting you? Actually, I have multiple witnesses who can attest to the fact that three times in the last few years, I have had complete strangers come up to me, out of the clear blue, and say I look just like the famed, ruggedly handsome movie star, Sam Elliott. I am not making this up!

The first time it happened, my wife and I were having dinner in a restaurant in Sedona, Arizona, with her brother and his wife. I don’t remember what was said verbatim, but at some point during the meal, the server said to me, something like, “You look just like that movie actor, he does a lot of westerns, oh, what’s his name, uh, Sam Elliott!”

I was flattered, of course, and we all had a good laugh. I did not take it too seriously, though. It occurred to me that perhaps she was simply angling for a larger tip. (I guess I tend to expect the worst in people.)

“You look just like Sam Elliott!”

The second time it happened, the four of us were traveling and we needed to rent a vehicle in St. Louis. My brother-in-law and I walked into the rental place and we were greeted by a friendly woman behind the counter. She began the process and then she says to me, “You look like that famous actor, but I can’t think of his name.” I kind of rolled my eyes ever so slightly, and, as if I had heard it a thousand times, I said, “Sam Elliott?” She exclaimed, “Yes! That’s him! You look just like him!” I say, in a bored, flat kind of voice, “Gee, thanks. Never heard that before.” I was just messing with her, but I think she thought I might have been offended by the comparison. (I wasn’t.) She assured me she meant it as a compliment, and just to make sure I wasn’t upset, she gave us a free upgrade! I can’t remember if I said this to my brother-in-law, or I just thought it to myself, “Wait ‘til the girls hear this. Something tells me I’m going to be a complete asshole about it.” And, I’m sure I was.

The most recent Sam Elliott incident was when my wife and I met a friend for lunch. Knowing how I loved Arby’s potato cakes, our friend texted me with the joyous news that Arby’s was bringing them back (for a limited time), and we made a plan to meet for lunch at an Arby’s near her work.

Crispy, potato-y perfection.

The place was hopping when we got there, obviously because a severe case of Potato Cake Fever had gripped the area. We found a place to sit and had a wonderful lunch with lots of sparkling conversation. (And, the potato cakes were particularly fantastic.) We were about finished when I saw an unfamiliar man approaching us. I thought he was someone who remembered me from my tenure working at the nearby library. (I get that every so often.)

But, he leaned in, put his hand on the corner of our table, looked at me and said, “I thought Sam Elliott was sitting over here.” I didn’t know what to say other than, “Thanks.” Even though I had heard it before, I was quite surprised. I mean, who walks up to a complete stranger and says such a thing? Oh, well, at least he didn’t say I looked like Shemp Howard.

I think Shemp was great. But I wouldn’t want to look like him.

I hope I do not sound overly sensitive, but it really is kind of an odd thing for a total stranger to offer an unsolicited comment on someone else’s looks. Heck, I would never dream of going up to a person and saying, “Gee, you look just like Salma Hayek!” Or, “Hey man, I thought you were Tom Hanks!”

It’s weird because, I have been called a lot of things in my life, but “approachable” is not one of them. My natural, resting face is expressionless and borderline frowny, like, “Stay away, I’m not interested in interacting with you.” Yet, some people plow right ahead with their opinions. It seems strange to me.

When I look in a mirror, what do I see? Do I see Sam Elliott peering back at me? Honestly? No.

I just see a regular guy. And, lately, because I have gotten into the habit of shaving only once or twice a week, I see a hobo in the mirror looking back. Some guys can do the sexy, several-days-of-stubble look, however, I usually look as if I should be pushing a shopping cart filled with all my worldly possessions.

When I see my mirror image, I see a way older guy than I used to be. But, on the bright side, even though my hair is much lighter, it is still there, having not thinned out at all. I still have most of my teeth, including all of the ones that show. I can still stand straight up and look down to see my feet, without straining to see over a gigantic beer belly.

And, some people think I look like a ruggedly handsome movie star. Who am I to argue?

I am actually a bit younger than Sam Elliott, so I hope they are comparing me to a younger version of Sam. ‘Cause, I have to say, Sam is looking a little rough these days. No offense.

It sounds braggy, but I have known for quite some time that I am a handsome fellow. How do I know this? Well, I know because my grandma told me so, that’s how. And, everybody knows that sweet, old grandmas, like mine was, would never lie.

Use this side by side comparison to judge for yourself. That’s Sam on the left. Frankly, I’m not seeing the resemblance.

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