In the last couple of months, I have been in nine different airports. For someone like me who sometimes has gone years without flying, that seems like a lot.
In my opinion, the whole traveling by air thing is a ginormous pain in the ass from beginning to end. Starting with packing up all the crap you think you’re going to need, then getting a ride to the airport while it’s still dark, getting checked in, going through security, finding your gate, worrying if your carry-on is going to fit, sitting on the tarmac for more than an hour while some issue is being addressed, obsessing over catching your connecting flight, having to use the toilet on the plane with five people already standing at the door, wondering if the guy in front of you is going to continue to fart the whole flight or if the noxious fart currently watering your eyes was just a stray that slipped out, hoping against hope that the baby behind you sleeps for the duration, weighing the pros and cons of choking the MAGA across the aisle who won’t shut up about the most recent election . . . well, let’s just say there are a lot of stressors with which to deal.
Not to mention the layovers. From my home, when I go to Pennsylvania to visit my family, there are no direct flights, so I always have a layover somewhere. Having to fly to Las Vegas or Denver or Houston or Minneapolis or Atlanta, to get to Pittsburgh makes for a long day. Spending hours sitting in an airport on those uncomfortable chairs, next to a constant stream of stressed out travelers on their own miserable journeys, would certainly not fit my definition of a fun time. A flight with empty seats loses money, so I understand why I have to fly to Denver to get to Pittsburgh. I don’t have to like it, though.
I have a question for anyone who has flown in the last 40 years or so: Is there anyone out there who has had a connecting flight that wasn’t clear on the other side of the goddamn airport? Or are the airlines just messing with me personally?
You know, it’s not that I mind walking. Heck, I walk five miles nearly every day. But, just once, I would like to experience the joy of my connecting flight’s gate being in the same zip code as the one in which I exited through on arrival.
Maybe my attitude towards flying would be better if I weren’t so frugal. I usually fly what was once called “coach” and is now called “economy” class. I suppose “coach” developed a bad connotation so they altered the verbiage. They changed the word, but that’s all they changed, as far as I can tell. In fact, I now refer to economy class as “last class”. There is “first class” where the rich folks are, and “last class” for the rest of us.
I have flown first class one time, and it was glorious. It was almost exactly like that Seinfeld episode where Jerry was enjoying the comforts of first class air travel, while Elaine was stuck in coach with the commoners.
I can’t remember how we wound up in first class. It may have been through the generosity of my in-laws, with whom we were traveling. They may have used their points or miles to get us this fantastic upgrade. I do recall leaning over to my brother-in-law and saying, “I’m never going back to fucking coach.”
But, of course, when it came time for the next flight, guess where I was? That’s right, I was back in last class again. First class is just too darn expensive.
And then there’s the food. Bitching about airline food is like taking a trip to Death Valley in July and complaining about the heat. One should expect the food to be . . . uh . . . not great. Occasionally they’ll give you something that is surprisingly edible, but I believe snacks and meals are passed out to give the passengers something to alleviate the mind-numbing boredom of being stuck in an airplane.
On December 27th, we were flying on, well, I really don’t want to say which airline, let’s just say it was British. It was a long flight, so they had a meal service, even for those of us in last class. They called it a Christmas dinner, which may have been accurate because it did seem as if it had been sitting around for two days. I ate all of it, because that’s what I do. But, in the midst of consuming this rather sad holiday meal, I said to my wife, “This is a Christmas dinner for those who have been naughty this year.” I wondered if the meal was similar to what was fed to the prisoners in San Quentin.
Not that I expected a fine dining experience. It was airplane food, after all. And, if I may say, considering that we were flying on a British airline, our food expectations were even lower because, let’s be honest, the British are not famous for their cuisine. The French and Italians, for example, are rightly praised for their wonderful food. The British? Not so much. No one ever says, “Hey, let’s go out for some British food tonight!” (Although, I can’t imagine the food on French or Italian airplanes is all that great, either.)
I do not want to be one who whines about airport security. I appreciate the efforts to keep us travelers safe. I wonder, though, if it is possible to standardize the rules. During my recent spate of travel, sometimes I had to take off my belt and shoes, sometimes I didn’t. Same with my MacBook. One security checkpoint said it was okay to leave it in my carry-on. At the next airport, I had to dig it out and run it through separately. I had my liquids and toiletries in a plastic bag that was acceptable in most airports, but not at London Heathrow. They made me dump my stuff and put it in a different bag. At least, they provided the new bag.
Heathrow was very stressful. The security checkpoint was super crowded and loud. Perhaps “chaotic” is the best descriptive word for it. I had to get partially undressed, toss all of my stuff into the plastic bins, and hope it was all there on the other side. It seemed like anyone could just walk up to where the bins were, and take whatever they wanted. I don’t mind admitting that my nerves were fried by the experience.
If this is how it has to be in the name of security while flying, then I really do not want to complain too much. Safety is of the utmost importance, obviously. I just find getting through security to be quite stressful, and it is another factor in my reluctance to travel.
Another stressful airport is Dallas-Ft Worth. I don’t like going to DFW because it has always been so bloody crowded every time I’ve been there. And, there are usually people standing around, in the way, trying to figure out which direction to go. To be fair, there are people like that everywhere. Sometimes, I’m one of them.
Oh, I don’t know, maybe I’ve become the crotchety old guy I vowed I’d never be when I was young. Maybe I’m at the age where pissing and moaning about everything is a way of life. Maybe I’m not happy unless I’m complaining about something. Maybe I should actively try to change my mindset about traveling.
Maybe, in general, I should seek out the positives in every situation, instead of always bitching on the negatives.
Yeah. That seems unlikely.
To my high-flying subscribers, thank you for your support.
And, don’t be afraid to scroll to the bottom and hit that Like button! (But, only if you really mean it.)
Do you have something to say about Flying Is For the Birds? Well, then . . .
I always like what you write, and if I don't, I tell you. That makes you special. You take it on the chin and give it back.
So I haven't flown since....I don't know when actually. I'm not even sure how to go about getting a ticket, so not sure I could figure it all out now. I used to like to fly. But, I admit, the first thing I did was order a drink, you know, the alcoholic kind, like Johnny Walker Red. Then everything seemed okay to me, even the food, which oftentimes was just a small bag of salted peanuts or pretzels....which caused me to order another drink to wash them down, and you know, because salt makes you thirsty.
I hate to drive these days, especially on the interstate highways which are now officially race tracks that are not oval and no matter what lane you're in, it's always too slow for the guy behind you. Because I can't drink while driving, I'd rather fly, I guess....plus you get places much faster, usually. However, while the FAA is now laying off air traffic controllers, and mechanics, who used to be sure our planes were 100% safe in the air....wow, those days are gone. We've had more plane crashes since DT was put on Auto Pilot in Washington just three months ago, than probably all of the last three years.
Jeeze, Norm....I still love your writing! A sense of humor is hard to find these days. I can say that. There's nothing good to talk about these days. But, you always have your special ways of expressing them so we all understand your perils. Time to head to the pub. No one cares what I say there and neither do I after my second drink....so I just go home.
Hi Norm,
I also hate flying. It has become such a hassle. I had an opportunity to fly last month, but instead chose to drive. My last flight was OK, but it was definitely not pleasant. The companies have decided to add all these additional charges with no extra benefits. And now with all the plane crashes, I have very little confidence that safety is a priority.