I’ll Never Do That Again

And That's Final (Probably)

Nov 11, 2023

Game Nights

In the early years of our relationship, my wife worked with some folks who, on occasion, enjoyed getting together at someone’s house for game nights. An evening of food and drink and games, oh boy, does that sound like fun, or what? (sarcasm)

My antipathy toward these gatherings was not because the people involved were unpleasant. My wife worked with a pretty good group back then. It was more a matter of me and my social limitations.

I really did not want to go to these events, but I went to please my wife. I realized I couldn’t just keep saying no to everything she wanted to do. And, I made an honest effort to participate as best I could.

I especially disliked those games where the players had to act out different scenarios. Those were just torture. I would be filled with dread as my turn got closer and closer.

Finally, we talked about it. I explained how uncomfortable the game nights were and she was very understanding. I might be wrong, but, while I think she enjoyed the social aspects of the get-togethers, I do not believe that she especially enjoyed the games, either.

So, no more game nights. Do I miss them? You’re kidding, right?

Siphon Gas From a Car

Yes, I have had the experience of tasting gasoline. It’s about as awful as one could imagine. Where I grew up, taking a hose and sucking gasoline out of a car was not uncommon. We lived next door to my maternal grandparents, and my grandfather and his sons had junk cars around all the time. Lots of ‘em. And, if someone was mowing the grass and the mower ran out of gas, what would you do? You’d grab a hose, go to the nearest piece of crap car, and suck out some gas so the job could be finished.

From my perspective as an old man looking back, siphoning gas seems hillbilly-ish. Because it is. (So is having your home surrounded by junk cars.) I am not embarrassed by my hillbilly roots, but there are lots of things that were done then that I will never do again. Siphoning gas is one of them.

**What this illustration does not show is the guy coughing, spitting, and puking after ingesting a mouthful of 91 octane.**

Wear a Tie

Nope. Not wearing a tie ever again. Ties are pointless and stupid. What kind of sense does it make to voluntarily put a thick, silky rope around your own neck and tie it up nice and snug?

Who invented this? I know it has been done for centuries, but for what purpose? How did it become a thing? I guess a tie could come in handy around mealtime, or perhaps in case of a runny nose.

I have risked the apocalyptic end of the universe by going tieless to weddings and funerals in the last few years. And nothing happened. I am not wearing a tie ever again. And, that’s final.

Change the Oil in My Car

I am capable of changing the oil in my car. I know how to do it. My first job was in my uncle’s gas station and repair shop. One of the few things I was trusted to do was oil changes. Invariably, while I was under the car, I would somehow get grease in my hair or run oil down my sleeve, but I would get the job done. More or less.

But now, I have no interest in doing it whatsoever. I’d rather pay someone to do it, I don’t care what it costs. Okay, well, I do care what it costs, but it would have to cost a heckuva lot more to get me to crawl under my car to change the oil. Screw that.

**Okay, say I drain the oil into this big pan. What in the hell am I going to do with a big pan full of oil?**

Build a Snowman

I live where I live because I do not like the cold. At all. We get snow once or twice a year, but it usually melts within hours. Sure, the summers are brutal, but I would rather experience that instead of the cold.

I grew up in snow country. And, I did many of the things people do in the snow. I’ve ridden a sled down a hill. I’ve driven snowmobiles through woods and fields. I’ve built snow forts and thrown snowballs. I’ve shoveled driveways and pathways. I’ve gotten cars stuck in the snow, and I’ve dug cars out of the snow. So, I know snow, okay?

Of course, we used to build snowmen, too. (Am I allowed to use the word “snowmen”? Should I say “snowpersons”? “Snowpeople?” The language police are always watching.) By saying I will never build another snowman is another way of saying I hate snow and snow related activities. I swore off that stuff a long, long time ago. So if anyone out there is thinking of inviting me to go skiing or some such wintry activity, thanks, but no thanks. Nothing personal. (Well, probably nothing personal . . .)

Grow a Beard

I have had a beard at various points in my life. Never for a long time, though. Not to brag, but my beard comes in nice and thick and full. It could be Letterman-esque if I let it grow, but it looks best when it is kept trimmed short, like a well manicured lawn. I am aware that I may be at the point in my life where the more of my face I can cover up, the better. A beard can hide a lot of wrinkles and blotches and jowls, you know.

During the Covid shutdown, I didn’t shave for a couple of months. The resulting beard was almost all white. I looked like a skinny Santa.

But, while there may be times that I will go unshaven for a week or two, I choose to never have a full beard again. Why? Because I know my wife doesn’t like it, that’s why. And that is reason enough.

Flip Someone the Bird While Driving

This will be the toughest vow to keep. I have been known to use my middle finger liberally while driving in response to those bozos, morons, and idiots who do not know what they are doing behind the wheel of a car. The people who impede my progress as I attempt to go about my important business in my important life, deserve to have the bird flipped at them, right?

Well, I have been trying very hard to not do that anymore. Part of the reason is that I have finally realized it is not up to me to police the driving habits of others.

And, part of the reason is that almost always, the perceived “infraction” is just not that big of a deal, you know? I don’t need to get all riled up over such things.

But, the biggest reason I have dialed way back on my bird-flipping while driving is that there are far too many gun nuts out there who think that if they are the recipient of someone else’s middle finger, it is an affront to their manhood. Then they feel justified whipping out one of their many guns to mete out some frontier justice. What a ridiculous thing to get shot over! So, although the potential for backsliding is great, I’m going to try to not do the bird-flipping anymore.