It’s 3:03 am and I’m wide awake.
I would like to sleep more, but my mind won’t let me. It is flitting from one subject to another, like a ruby-throated hummingbird zipping from flower to flower, searching for the sweetest nectar. That’s bad enough, but what’s worse is when it locks on to a horrible song and plays a small bit of it over and over and over.
One particularly miserable night, I was tortured with the chorus of Paul Simon’s tremendously awful Mother and Child Reunion. Oh my gosh, if I could have unscrewed the top of my head and hosed it out, I would have. I thought, “So this is what it’s like to go completely insane.” It was an exceptionally diabolical form of torture.
Sometimes I won’t be able to sleep because my mind is replaying a conversation with someone that did not go well. It loops over and over in my brain just as a bad song does. If I could gain some insight into why the conversation went wrong by replaying it continually in my mind, maybe it could be a good thing. But, has that ever happened? No.
I have tried boring myself to sleep by counting backwards from 100, and I’ve tried telling my brain to “SHUT THE HELL UP!!!”. But, unfortunately, those methods have never worked. Why is my brain doing this to me? I feel as if I’m being tortured for sport.
I think it would be better for my overall mental and physical health if I could sleep more than five hours a night. I bet my general mood would be much improved. I bet a certain someone would start calling me Mr Wonderful again. (Okay, that last part was a lie. I’ve never been called Mr Wonderful.)
I have talked to my doctor about my sleep issues in kind of a general way. She asks how I am doing, and I tell her, “I wish I could sleep better, but I’m doing okay.” I think if I made it more of an issue, she might come up with a special sleep plan to address it. But, the truth is, I would prefer not to do that.
The problem with a special sleep plan is that, as much as I want to have a more restful, high-quality sleep, I would guess I’ll have to change my ways somehow, perhaps with diet and/or exercise or meditation or something, and, being a creature of habit and a lover of routines, I am reluctant to change. (I know how bad that sounds.)
I have tried melatonin and an over the counter sleep aid, but they were not very effective, and a glass of warm milk sounds like an old wives’ tale. I’m not a drinker, but I’ve thought maybe I should try having a couple of stiff drinks before bed to help me sleep. I don’t know, though, that kind of seems like exchanging one problem for another.
I know I do not want to be taking prescription sleeping pills. I’ve seen too many TV shows where the strong, good-looking hero with a heart of gold, gets hooked on prescription meds and loses everything and winds up in jail or dead. I don’t think I would do well in jail. Or dead. So, I believe I’ll stay away from the sleeping pills.
I have an old-fashioned clock radio on my nightstand (surprise, surprise) and sometimes, when I’m awake in bed, I’ll play a little mind game with myself. I’ll guess what time it is. I am almost always wrong, of course, but on those rare occasions I get it on the nose, a wave of accomplishment washes over me. Or maybe it is better described as a wave of victory. “A-ha! I was right! I won!”, I think to myself, silently.
Exciting my mind in this manner is certainly counterproductive to inducing the sleep I so desperately hope for in the middle of a sleepless night. However, I keep doing it. Maybe it is similar to an inveterate gambler who wins just often enough to eventually lose all his money. He keeps chasing that victorious feeling, even though he knows it is to his detriment.
Here’s another silly thing I do with the clock instead of sleeping - I look for, and get excited by, what I call “Prime Times”. What are Prime Times? Well, Prime Times are those times on a digital clock that look the same right side up or upside down. For example, 2:12 looks the same both ways, except for the placement of the colon, but I ignore that. 3:03 is not a Prime Time because it looks like this E0:E upside down. See what I mean?
There’s another reason I have trouble sleeping through the night, and, geez I really hate to say this but . . . it’s our cat, Pearl. Those who have been reading my stuff for a while know how I love me some Pearl. (I love Chester, too, but he’s not as lovey-dovey as Pearl.) And, I believe she loves me back. One of her favorite spots to sleep is between my legs from the knees down. And, it’s fine during the day if I stretch out while I am working on my MacBook or watching TV.
However, as we both have gotten older, it seems different at night. It starts off okay, but, as a restless sleeper, I tend to switch positions a lot. And, since I do not want to disrupt Pearl’s sleep, I often contort myself in uncomfortable ways, which disrupts my own sleep.
I like having her sleep with us, yet I am secretly relieved when she eventually tires of my constant fidgeting and moves on. Then I feel guilty, even though she never seems to hold it against me.
I fall asleep in front of the TV a lot in the evenings. So I think, “Well, maybe I should get ready for bed.” I scoop the litter boxes, take out the trash, wash my face, brush and floss my teeth, put in my eyedrops, plug in my electronics, and hit the sack. Of course, after all of that activity, I am wide awake. It’s so frustrating.
As I write these words in the early afternoon, I’m feeling a little . . . drowsy . . . yawn . . . so maybe I should go lie down. The time is 1:51 - hey it’s a Prime Time! Cool! Oh damn, on second thought that’s not so cool because of the excitement, I’ll never get to sleep now. A potentially refreshing afternoon nap goes down the drain because of a stupid (but exciting) Prime Time. And, so it goes . . .
I have said this before - it ain’t easy being me.
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Hi Norm,
I can totally relate to your insomnia. I haven't been able to fall asleep on my own at bedtime since December of 2019 when my mom died. I can nap during the day with no problem, but at night I struggle.
If you're interested, I have made a couple observations what worsens my insomnia-
1. Napping in the late afternoon or evening makes it more difficult to go to sleep and stay asleep. I guess because your body has already had some rest.
2. Watching TV late also affects being able to go to sleep and stay asleep.
3. Having a repetitive thought as you've pointed out, or a earworm- which is having the same song play over and over in your head.
Things that have helped me to fall asleep
1. If I'm upset about something, i.e. playing it repeatedly in my head, I find writing it down in a journal helps to get it off my mind.
2. This may sound a little weird, but positive self-talk helps. If you're a Gemini like me, The sign is represented by twins, you already have duality. This means I can talk to myself in my head. One is the upset me, and the other is the nurturing me. So you literally talk to soothe yourself. You vent all your frustrations and then you calm or soothe yourself with statements like, "You did the best you could with the information you had. You tried to work things out, don't beat yourself up," etc. Surprisingly it helps.
3. I've never tried this with the earworm, so not sure it would work, but actually play the awful song. You can go to Pandora, it's free, or YouTube. Maybe it will dislodge the offending song form your brain.
4. A hot shower or bath before bedtime. Sometimes this eases tensions in your body enough for you to sleep. Epsom salt helps to relieve muscle tension and it great for baths.
5. A back or full body massage, be it an electric massager or an actual masseuse (I prefer the latter). It helps to reliever the tension in your body. I sleep like a baby after getting a massage. It's the best gift I can give myself.
6. I have also tried melatonin and Tylenol PM which seem to be the most helpful. I have experimented with many types of melatonin and the other brand that works for me is the one you show in the picture, Natrol. I use the gummies.
We consider this a problem in the modern world, but there is a thing called Bi-phasic sleep. Apparently this has been part of the natural sleep patterns for humans. I have included a link below so you can read up on it while you're up at 3:03am.
https://sleepdoctor.com/how-sleep-works/biphasic-sleep/
Here's to more restful nights.
I take Natrol Melatoin 10 mg...I started w/20 mg, but was still tired in the am. 10 mgs works good...but I still get up anywhere from 3:00-7:00. I don't fall asleep until maybe 11:30 or 1:00, if that. I set the TV so it automatically shuts off in 30 or 60 secs. That helps a lot so the TV won't waken you at some horrible odd hour of the morning. Too much to think about or worry about is the worst thing you can do. I play golf in a dream, so sometimes I play the course at a club starting at the first hole and playing a really great game I make it up as I go. That helps me relax. Sometimes I imagine I'm at the beach...try to go places that relax me. Usually though, I fall asleep watching 48 hours, or Alaskan Forest Rangers, Storage Wars, Finding Bigfoot, or Lottery Winners buying houses on HGTV. Sometimes paranormal videos on TV, but that scares me, so that isn't recommended.
Don't drink. If you drink, and go to bed, you will awaken about 3 or 4 hours later because of your bio rhythm or something messed up in your system requiring more sugar....highs and lows. However, I do notice that someone in your house likes Johnny Walker Red, which happens to be a favorite of mine. I recommend that you stop playing your clock game at night. It is causing your brain to be alert and wake up at odd hours for your gratification in this head game you are playing with your brain cells. Setting the clock in your head is very powerful. I can set mine to get up at a certain time and it works almost every time. Brain cells like playing. Don't give them a game that is not to your sleeping advantage. Teach your brain to sleep in to later times.
Try the Melatonin again, the gummies are the best...then you have to "believe" they will work. Don't take them until you actually lay down and get under the covers. Feel the "sleepies" and go with them.
Good luck, friend.