Like Ketchup on a Hot Dog
And Other Atrocities
Like ketchup on a hot dog, there are certain things that just should not be done. And, often, there is no logical, explainable reason as to why. Some things are simply a big bowl of wrong, as Jeff Greene might say. Call them pet peeves, petty annoyances, personal grievances, or whatever, we all have things that bug us. What follows are some of mine.
Wearing pajamas in public.
Come on, no one wants to see that. Are you really that lazy that you cannot be bothered to put on real clothes? And, if you are simply wearing your jammies in public to make a fashion statement, just so you know, there’s nothing fashionable about it. Nothing at all. So, do us all a favor, take 30 seconds before you leave the house to put on your pants and leave your Dalmatian PJs at home, okay?
Sunglasses indoors.
I like to wear sunglasses. They protect my eyes and, like most people, I look cooler when wearing them. But, I don’t wear them indoors. Why? Because it is stupid, that’s why. The only time it is acceptable is when you’ve lost your real glasses and you need your prescription sunglasses to see. Oh, and it is also permissible when you have an eye problem that requires it. Otherwise, you just look like a self-important jerk trying to be cool. It is obvious to all that you care more about being seen than, you know, actually seeing. And, by the way, if you have to try to look cool, then, news flash, you ain’t cool.
Pig parkers.
Don’t know what a pig parker is? It comes from Curb Your Enthusiasm. That’s what Larry David calls someone who takes up two parking spaces. This one is especially annoying. It is true that some parking spots seem kind of narrow. And, even though my car is 22 years old, I still do not like it when someone bangs their door into mine because the cars are too close. So, I understand why people take up two spots. Doesn’t make it right, though. And, it is no excuse for being a selfish prick.
Another example of pig parking is prevalent in my neighborhood. Our driveways are kind of short, but that does not stop some owners of those overgrown, gigantic trucks from parking in their driveways and blocking the sidewalk. I am still spry enough to go around, although I shouldn’t have to. The sidewalk belongs to all of us, Dumbass. Parking is allowed on either side of the street and it’s free, so why don’t you park your big stupid truck there and stop being a problem for the rest of us?
Black socks with shorts.
This is another fashion no-no. When I was young, in the summer, some of the old guys would wear shorts with dress socks, usually black. It was a bad look then. Now I’m an old guy and people younger than me are doing this. It is still a bad look. Closely related to this is wearing socks with sandals. Ugh. If your goal is to look like a TV dad out of the 1950s, then have at it. Otherwise, it would be best to leave your dress socks in the sock drawer for the summer.
Bumper stickers on classic cars.
Oh my goodness, this is a bad one. I am not a violent person. But, when I see a beautiful work of art like a Corvette with some idiotic bumper sticker plastered on the rear end, I just want to reach in through the window and smack the driver a good one. (Obviously, I would never do this in real life. The chances are very good that, in this scenario, I would get the living crap beaten out of me.) Why would anyone put a bumper sticker on a classic car? It would be akin to drawing a mustache on the Mona Lisa. And, it has nothing to do with a person’s politics in any way. I would be just as disgusted with an Obama sticker as I would be with a MAGA sticker (well, almost). It is wrong, wrong, wrong. If, in your garage, you have a classic, work-of-art beauty, and you find a cool bumper sticker for it, for the love of humanity, please do not deface your Mona Lisa. Just walk away.
Bald guys with ponytails.
You see this a lot with boomers. There’s not a thing wrong with being bald. And, there’s not a thing wrong with having a ponytail. And, despite what all you young whippersnappers say, there’s not a thing wrong with being a boomer, either. But, put them all together and, oh wow, you’ve got something that no one should have to see. I fully understand that getting old is a drag. It sucks to see your hairline in full retreat. You know, it’s natural to want to hang on to your youth, but, man, this is not the way.
I could care less.
When I hear someone say this, I wish my hearing loss had progressed even further than it has. This is like fingernails on a chalkboard. If you use this phrase to express how much you do NOT care about something, stop it immediately. For those who are not very bright, I’ll explain it so even you can understand.
I like the Pittsburgh Pirates. On a day to day basis, I care too much about whether they win or lose. Since, in the last 30 years or so they’ve had only 4 seasons in which they won more than they lost, it probably would benefit my mental health if I could care less. See? I care too much, so I could care less. If by some miracle, I find my sanity and stop following the Pirates, I would say, “The heck with the Pirates. I could NOT care less about them.”
I hope this is clear now. If you want to express how much you do NOT care about something, say “I could NOT care less.” Not the other thing. You’re welcome.
Ketchup on a hot dog.
Some folks might be wondering, “Well, what’s wrong with ketchup on a hot dog?” You mean besides that it is gross? I guess the truth is that I am not a big fan of ketchup on anything. I don’t hate it, I do not believe it to be intrinsically gross, I just don’t like it very much. Not on french fries, not on a bologna sandwich, not on steak, and especially not on hot dogs. Ketchup on a hot dog seems particularly egregious. The thought of a tomato-y, high fructose corn syrup condiment slathered all over my hot dog makes me a little queasy. You do you, okay, but please keep that bottle of Heinz on your end of table. Thanks.
You are so funny. These were great. Keep it up.
Just a side note. Some people's feet are so gross we are probably lucky they do wear socks.