No Gifts Please
Okay, So I'm a Sour Old Scrooge
So, the holiday season is upon us. (Although, according to the local Ace Hardware, the Christmas season began a little after Labor Day.) I’m sure this comes as no surprise, but I wish it was over. Call me a Scrooge, or a Grinch, or anti-whatever, but I spend too much of this joyful season managing stress.
I mean, I do the best I can. I certainly do not want to ruin the holidays for anyone. I try to participate in what’s going on, in my own awkward way, however, the reality is that often I just try to get through the holiday season, and feel relief when it’s over. (That seems worse to see in print than it did to think it.) Then, if I have fallen short in some way, afterwards I feel like a jackass for being a downer for everyone.
Not being a religious person, I do not get anything out of the religious aspects of the season. I have no problem with people who do, but it does nothing for me.
Intellectually, I understand the value of getting together and interacting with family and friends. And, it is not my intent to paint a totally negative picture here. I enjoy being with people I like, even when I’m not feeling particularly outgoing. Being on the quiet side is not necessarily a sign of being unhappy.
But, sometimes I do feel the (self-imposed) pressure of being “on”. Once in a while, I surprise everyone and rise to the occasion. More often, I do not. Then I have the resulting anxiety with which to deal. Dang, it seems as though my brain has it set up for me to lose no matter what I do, doesn’t it?
The giving and receiving of gifts is rife with stress and anxiety. Gift giving is such an odd custom, anyway. I suppose it goes back to the three wise men bringing gold, frankincense, and myrrh to little Baby Jesus. (This also started the tradition of crummy gifts. What was Baby Jesus going to do with gold, frankincense and myrrh? Myrrh?)
For me, gift giving and receiving has always been a major stressor. I want to be thought of as a good gifter, so I think a lot about what to give. Sometimes I fail, but, I’d like to believe that most of the time, I do all right at gifting.
But, man, figuring out what to give, where to get it, how to wrap it and get it to where it needs to go, is nerve-wracking. I’m sure many among us has had moments of doubt regarding gifting. It is very difficult to figure out the wants and needs of another person. And, isn’t it just a teeny bit presumptuous to decide what another person should have?
People often say, “It’s the thought that counts.” And, I believe that is so. I really do appreciate being given a gift, any gift.
But, let’s be honest here, okay? While it is true that “it’s the thought that counts”, sometimes doesn’t it feel as if some gifts are not that great? And then what do you do? Well, you lie, of course. This is a huge stress causer because I do not want any of my gift recipients to have to lie. If I care enough to give someone a gift, then I’m going to care what they think about it.
I’ve been given some really thoughtful, wonderful, meaningful gifts over the years. My youngest brother, when he was maybe 10 or 12, gave me something I still have, all these decades later. He gave me a small trash can that he made. I don’t know if it was a school art project or what, but it was something he created with his own two hands. It looks like he covered a thin piece of cardboard with pictures from Sports Illustrated and the newspaper, rolled it into a cylindrical shape and attached a bottom. It is getting a little worn, and I had to put a new bottom on it, but I still have it in our office. I have gotten many expensive and really great gifts, but I have always been attached to that little trash can.
Another great gift was given to me by my brother-in-law and his family. In one of my previous posts, My Roots Are in the Soil, https://thestormbynorm.substack.com/p/my-roots-are-in-the-soil, I wrote of my wife’s Uncle Robert. Once, when we were at the farm for a visit, Uncle Robert showed us a shotgun he brought home from World War II. It came from some German’s office and he said that he would like me to have it someday. Well, I was honored, to say the least. I told my brother-in-law about it and he mentioned that Uncle Robert had said the same thing to him. I was perfectly fine with the shotgun going to my brother-in-law. It was offered to him first, he was a blood relative, and had known Uncle Robert his whole life, after all.
I think it was the Christmas after Uncle Robert had passed and we were with my wife’s family when I opened a long, narrow package that contained Uncle Robert’s German shotgun. My brother-in-law thought I should have it so he gave it to me for Christmas. Such an act of generosity, I will not soon forget. We are not gun people, but this one has special meaning and is mounted on our living room wall.
I cite these examples as evidence that I am aware of how wonderful gift receiving can be. And, I hope there are examples out there that someone can point to and say what a great gift was received from me.
So, I don’t say this lightly, but, I do not want to do the giving or receiving of gifts anymore. At least among the adults. (I do not want to Scrooge up the joys of Christmas for the children.) Maybe it seems ungenerous of me to not give gifts, but, I am at a point in my life where I am actively seeking ways to reduce stress. (However, I can see myself stressing over this decision, so what am I really gaining? H’mm, good question . . .)
Regarding the receiving of gifts, there’s really nothing I need or want. We are not wealthy by any measure, but if I see something I want, I get it (within reason, of course). Plus, my mind tells me I’m not worthy of receiving gifts anyway, which is a psychological cedar chest I’m not ready to unpack at this time.
You know, when someone says “It’s not about the money”, it usually is about the money. However, in this case, it really is not. Several years ago, I decided not to send gifts to my siblings and their families. I asked my two brothers and two sisters to let me know their favorite charities and I would make donations in their honor. I spend more money on that than I did boxing up a bunch of gifts and sending them back there. And I feel so much better about doing it. They don’t get stuff they may not want or need, the money goes to where it really does some good, and I have less to stress about. Wins all around.
Anybody out there who is determined to give me a gift, please make a donation to one of my favorite charities instead. I’ll provide a short list on request. (Another fine gift for me would be to share the posts of, and, if you haven’t already, subscribe to, your favorite Substacker. 😊)
So much more good can be done by donating to a worthy cause, than by giving a gift to a sour old Scrooge. Thank you, and happy holidays to all.
That's a great idea! I quit gifting last year, but since it also "wasn't about the money" for me, I think I will adopt your strategy and find out certain people's favorite charities.