Norm Interviews Norm!

What the World Has Been Waiting For!

Norm: “Hey, Norm, how’re you doing?”

Norm: “Fine, Norm, fine. How about you?”

Norm: “Good, good, thanks for asking.”

Norm: “Oh, sure, you’re welcome.”

Norm: “So, Norm, why are you doing this interview?”

Norm: “Well, Norm, that’s a good question, and I’m not exactly sure how to answer. It seemed kind of interesting and different to interview one’s self, but now I’m a bit afraid I’ll be unable to pull it off - that it will just seem stupid.”

Norm: “Oh, I wouldn’t worry about it. And, anyway, that has never stopped you before.”

Norm: “I guess that’s true. Gee, you know me so well.”

Norm: “Yeah, and don’t you forget it. So, let’s get into some real off-the-wall questions, shall we? Here’s one - what’s your earliest memory?”

Norm: “Well, there are two that might be my earliest memory. I don’t know which came first. I remember when we picked up my mother at the hospital when my first brother was born. I was 3 years and 9 months old, roughly, and we were walking down a rather long, dark corridor, my mother is in a wheelchair, holding my new brother, either my dad or a nurse is pushing her, and I was helping to push, too. We got to the doors and my mother stood and maybe thanked the nurse. I remember very clearly wanting my mother to know I helped push the wheelchair, so I said, in what I’m sure was a squeaky, high-pitched, little hillbilly boy voice, ‘I helped!’ What a cute little fella I was!”

Norm: “And, what’s the other memory?”

Norm: “I remember getting new white shoes I wasn’t allowed to wear until I learned how to tie them.”

Norm: “And, you figured it out.”

Norm: “I am proud to say, yes, I did. As a child, I taught myself how to tie my own shoes. Of course, I had to go barefoot for 2 years while I figured it out, though.”

Norm: “Good one, Norm!”

Norm: “And the winters were a bitch.”

Norm: “Yeah, yeah, we get it.”

Norm: “Okay.”

Norm: “So, Norm, you like sports, right? What kind of athlete were you?”

Norm: “Mediocre at best. I felt like I had to give 100% all the time just to be average. I was the kid who dived for balls in practice. I’ve always said I was just good enough at baseball to be disappointed at not playing better.”

Norm: “Meaning . . . ?”

Norm: “Meaning, I knew guys who were not good players that seemed happy just being part of the team. It seemed they were able to accept themselves as they were and enjoy the experience. Unlike me, who was often frustrated by being average. I had just enough success to be pissed off and unhappy when I failed. I thought of myself as a failure, rather than accept my talent level for what it was.”

Norm: “Jesus. Have you always put so much pressure on yourself?”

Norm: “Yeah.”

Norm: “That explains a lot.”

Norm: “I guess it does.”

Norm: “Okay, let’s move on. What’s your biggest regret in life?”

Norm: “Nope. Next question.”

Norm: “What? You don’t want to answer that?”

Norm: ‘’No, I don’t. You should know why.”

Norm: “Oh, yeah, better not talk about, uh, you know. Well, how about a regret you can discuss?”

Norm: “All right, I regret that I was a terrible brother, especially to the eldest of my siblings.”

Norm: “Why were you so terrible to him?”

Norm: “I honestly do not know.”

Norm: “Were you jealous of the attention he got as the newest member of your family; attention that previously was all yours?”

Norm: “I can see how that could be the case, but I truly do not remember being jealous at all. I think it was something else. I was the firstborn, so I was always bigger, stronger, and I knew more stuff. I believe that dominating my little brother made me feel better about myself. I never was the older brother who took his younger brother under his wing to try to help him along. I think I picked on him constantly because I liked feeling superior to him.”

Norm: “Well, that sounds shitty.”

Norm: “It was. It was.”

Norm: “Of course, the question is why? Why were you like that?”

Norm: “I don’t know. Maybe it was some personality disorder or defect. Maybe I was just a natural born asshole, I don’t know.”

Norm: “Did you ever make it up to him?”

Norm: “Not really. I mean, what can be done about it years after the fact? Obviously, the past is set in stone. Can’t do anything to change it. After we were both adults, I talked to him to apologize for the way I treated him when we were growing up, and I feel like he accepted it. I think our relationship is in a good place. I don’t see him very often as I live thousands of miles away, but I am happy he is, by all accounts, a great guy, despite me treating him badly.”

Norm: “Well, this has been kind of a downer, so far.”

Norm: “Yeah.”

Norm: “Let’s change the subject. What have you done in your life, of which you are most proud?”

Norm: “I guess I am proud of having the courage to leave my homeland in Pennsylvania and move to the other side of the country when I was 21. I stuffed all my worldly possessions into my Plymouth Duster and left Pennsylvania for good. I had never been west of Kent, Ohio, and I don’t know why I thought I could do it, but I did it, and never went back. Except to visit.

A few days after I left, I arrived in a big Western city, found a cheap fleabag hotel and started a new life. And, I did it by myself. I had never lived on my own, never had a credit card or even a bank account, I had never lived in a town, let alone a big city. I had never been responsible for my own food and shelter. I had never even done my own laundry.

I found a job and a place to live. I never asked anyone for money, never went on welfare or unemployment, never had to sleep on someone’s couch. I made a decent life for myself and I’m proud of that.”

Norm: “Well, good for you, Norm.”

Norm: “Thank you.”

Norm: “Why did you start writing on Substack?”

Norm: “I have never been very good at verbal communication, and The Storm. By Norm is a way for me to communicate with the outside world without having to physically talk to anybody. I had written several book reviews for the library’s website and received positive feedback on what I wrote. I have always been able to string words together to form at least simple, reasonably coherent sentences, so I thought I’d give it a try. What did I have to lose?”

Norm: “Are you happy with the way it has gone, so far? Do you consider The Storm. By Norm a success?”

Norm: “Yes, but admittedly I did not have high expectations. Compared to everyone else on Substack, I suppose my numbers are pretty low. My subscriber base may be small, but, if I’m being truthful, I’m still surprised that anyone is reading my stuff. I always say I am honored and humbled by my subscribers, and that’s not just me blowing smoke. And, some folks are even paying for it! Which is really mind-blowing.”

Norm: “I’m shocked by that, too.”

Norm: “Yeah.”

Norm: “So, what’s coming up on The Storm. By Norm? Anything special to preview?”

Norm: “As you know, all of my essays are special and unique, so what’s upcoming will be more of the stuff everyone has grown to know and love.”

Norm: “Oh, wow, I don’t know what to say to that. I guess this is a good place to end . . . uh . . . whatever this has been. Is there anything else you’d like to say?”

Norm: “Yes, there is one thing. To all you MAGA moron idiots out there - get your heads out of your asses! Stop supporting that grifting, addle-brained, lying loser criminal piece of shit! You think he cares about you? Stop being stupid! You don’t want to vote for Joe Biden? Fine, but do not give your precious vote to that iguana-faced, cancerous, orange pile of pus! And don’t waste your vote on Bob Kennedy the Junior, either! He’s an ill-informed conspiracy theorist, his family hates him, he doesn’t have a chance in hell of winning, and he’s just plain weird! See for yourself!

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/robert-f-kennedy-barefoot_n_6551f924e4b0373d70b2e3dc

Democracy is hanging in the balance, MAGA people, because you guys are fucking it up! Just stop it, okay? Thank you.”

Norm: “Christ. Was that necessary? Sometimes you just can’t help yourself.”

Norm: “I know, I know . . .”

To my exceptional subscribers, please help me grow my publication by sharing my posts with family and friends, or on your social media accounts. Thank you for your support.

And, don’t be afraid to scroll to the bottom and hit that Like button! (But, only if you really mean it.)

Do you have something to say about Norm Interviews Norm!? Well, then . . .