Norm’s Rules

This is just a sampling, a comprehensive list would be way too long.

In the second season of Curb Your Enthusiasm, the third episode, “Trick or Treat”, finds Larry refusing to give candy to a couple of entitled teenagers who come to his door on Halloween. He thinks they are too old to be begging for candy, and neither bothered to work up even a minimal costume. This offended Larry’s sense of the Halloween rules. So, he refused to give up the candy. The teens came back later to toilet paper his yard and spraypaint “Bald Asshole” on his front door.

Larry’s wife, Cheryl, naturally finds this upsetting and blames Larry for the mess. When Larry cites his unwritten rules for what’s right and wrong on Halloween, she angrily explains that although he has all these rules for society, nobody else knows what they are.

Larry seemed more offended by being identified as “bald” than as an “asshole”, although some might say both are accurate.

I am kind of like Larry because I have rules that nobody knows, too. Some are for society in general, some are just for me. However, the big difference between Larry and me is that I rarely act when my societal rules are broken. I just rage silently about it, wishing a big, stinking bag of harm on the rule breaker, until I get tired enough to grudgingly let go.

Many of the personal rules I have for myself are sartorial in nature, which is a little strange, because, considering my “style” choices, I am more likely to be featured in Hobo Monthly than I am in GQ. I believe t-shirts, jeans, and athletic shoes never go out of style.

In previous posts, I’ve mentioned my “no socks with sandals” and “no wearing pajamas in public” rules. I adhere to these rules religiously, and wish everyone would do the same. Examples of rules just for me include: my shoes and belt must be black. (I can accept black shoes with an accent color.) I only wear white socks with shorts. The only time striped pants are acceptable is, if part of a suit - a pinstripe suit. Even that makes me a little nervous.

I used to be a consistent shirt tucker because I never liked the feeling of my lower back (and the area below) being exposed to the elements if I bent over. Nobody needs to see that.

My shirt tucking rule contributed to the impression I made on my wife when we first met. She seems to take particular joy in revealing that she thought I was a “tight-ass”. (At some point, she was able to get past that, I guess.)

But, I am now on the untucked shirt team. This is a tremendously huge deal in Normworld. It’s like Dylan going electric or Nixon going to China. (Some of you young whippersnappers might have to use the Google to understand those references.)

Why such a momentous change, especially at my advanced age? Well, in fact, it has to do with my advanced age. I began to notice a lot of high-waisted older men that had their pants pulled up almost to their armpits. I haven’t reached that point yet, but I thought if I untuck my shirts now, it won’t matter if my waist creeps higher and higher because it will be hidden by my untucked shirt. How about that? I am not as inflexible as people think I am. I changed a personal rule I’ve been following for many years. I am actually kind of proud of myself.

The one on the left is a much better look, no?

Now, some of you folks out there might be thinking, “Damn, Norm, that’s a lot of rules to follow, and why do you give so much thought to such insignificant stuff, anyway? And, the answer is, “Uh, I really don’t know. That’s just the way it is.”

I do wonder about why I have so many rules. Do I crave limits? Apparently, I have a need to know where the boundaries are in any given situation. Perhaps I find comfort in that.

The rules I have for the rest of society, for the most part, are rooted in the Golden Rule. Most people do not want to be inconvenienced or bothered or done wrong, so my rules call on people not to inconvenience or bother or do wrong to others. (Others? Well, okay, to me.)

I view this as more of an moral precept than a religious one.

Many of my societal rules have to do with vehicular courtesy. Here, I must admit, if my wife reads this, she might call bullshit on me, of all people, espousing the virtues of vehicular courtesy. I think she has seen me as an overly aggressive, bird-flipping, borderline reckless driver, although I would like to believe she has noticed I have improved a bit over time. In all honesty, though, I probably still drive a little too fast on occasion. I still may hit that hole a little too aggressively if I need to make a move in traffic. But, all in all, I’m better than I used to be. (A very low bar.)

On the subject of vehicular rules, I have written before about pig parkers taking up two spots, which is an obvious no-no. Don’t be a pig parker. And try to be more careful when exiting and entering your car when parked next to other cars. Banging your door into someone else’s car is uncool, man.

A few more vehicular rules:

• Don’t speed up to pass me then make me stop behind you as you attempt to make a left turn across traffic. I hate that.

• Do signal your intention to turn, but do not leave your turn signal on for the next ten miles.

• Do give a wave of acknowledgment if I let you go in front of me. A little wave, a thumbs up, or an OK sign, that’s all you have to do.

• Don’t pull out your gun and start blasting because I blew my horn at you for cutting me off.

  

  Good gosh, look at this mess. Sometimes, in chaos such as this, the rules are hard to follow. Just do the best you can.

Here are a few other random Norm’s Rules that would make society better:

• Cover your mouth when sneezing, coughing, or yawning in public. It’s only polite, you know, and it doesn’t cost anything.

• To those with young children - teach your kids early about indoor and outdoor voices. Just because it is easy for you to tune them out doesn’t mean it is easy for the rest of us.

• Clean up after yourself. Don’t be a slob and leave a mess for those who follow.

• Treat your servers with respect. Pointing out mistakes is okay, just don’t be a jackass about it.

• For chrissakes Dog People, if your dog drops a load on the sidewalk or someone else’s property, clean it up. In what world is it okay to just leave it there? One would think our society has evolved enough to not have to say this anymore. One would think wrong.

I saw this sign in someone’s yard. Apparently, the neighborhood dogs can read English, which is quite impressive.

There are more rules, of course, but this is enough for now. It is fair to wonder - are Norm’s Rules the endearing, quirky musings of a distinguished, mature gentleman, or the semi-demented rantings of a cranky old geezer? You can decide that for yourselves, my wonderful readers. To me, these are all common sense rules or courtesies that seem eminently reasonable. All I am asking is for everyone to make my world a better place for me to live in, for the time I have left. Thank you.

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