Personality Pie
Pros and Cons of Being Antisocial
I have been called antisocial. And, justifiably so, most times. I am not antisocial 100% of the time, because just like everybody else, I can fit into multiple categories. Admittedly, the antisocial slice of my personality pie is larger than many of the other slices. But, I’m okay with that.
Being described as antisocial kind of sounds like a negative, however, I say there are positives to being antisocial, too. How about if we take a moment to explore that statement a bit further?
Let’s examine this scenario: In many workplaces, whenever it is someone’s birthday, a card gets passed around for everyone to sign, somebody brings a cake, then all gather ‘round and sing that Happy Birthday song to the birthday person. My thought on that whole ritual? Yecch.
Here’s how I have dealt with it. I stopped signing the cards. I would simply cross my name off the signing list and pass it on to someone else. Seeing this in print, refusing to sign seems a little silly. What’s the big deal, right? But, I have to say it was quite a relief. By not signing, I did not feel the (self-imposed) pressure of having to come up with something clever and original for every damn birthday. Additionally, I did not have to deal with feelings of hypocrisy by signing a card for someone I did not like.
Occasionally, I would be asked if I signed so and so’s card. At first, I would kind of fake it, you know? But I soon started to say, “Nah. I don’t want to do that.” It should be obvious that I would not sing that terrible song. Nope, not doing that either. And thus, depending on each co-worker’s point of view, I became - A. The antisocial office curmudgeon, B. The antisocial office weirdo, or C. The antisocial office asshole.
There really are advantages to this type of behavior. One, I did not have to write something for someone I could not stand. It always seemed two-faced to wish a Happy Birthday to the annoying co-worker who was really difficult to like. Two, I was happy to not be a participant in a corny, anxiety-provoking ritual. Sure, it just takes a few seconds out of the day, but it could bug me for hours. Three, while the birthday festivities were going on, I could go off somewhere by myself and eat my lunch in peace. That sounds like a win-win for everybody.
Even being thought of as A, B, or C, could be seen as a positive, although none of those seem particularly complimentary. People tend to leave you alone when those are your labels. This is important to those of us who lean toward being an introvert.
Keep in mind, in the above scenario, I did not criticize, or make fun, or speak negatively about the ritual, or the people who enjoyed such activities. I mean, I would speak honestly if someone asked me a direct question about it, but I did not believe it necessary to express my opinion about such events without being asked. If people enjoy the Happy Birthday thing, then what business is it of mine? What good does it do for me to dump all over it?
Of course, it works both ways. Whose business is it if I prefer to not participate? Some see it as a team building or bonding kind of activity, I guess. I feel as though the best teammates, in an office sense, are the ones who do their jobs efficiently and professionally. Which means I can do my job and be part of the team without singing Happy Birthday.
Here’s another example of my social awkwardness: One day as I was walking to work, I met two women coming from the opposite direction. They seemed to be about my age, more or less. I don’t know if they stopped and chatted with everyone they met while out walking, or if they singled me out, but they wanted me to stop and chat with them. The dreaded Stop and Chat. I wanted no part of that, and I had to get to work, so after a few moments, I politely excused myself and continued on my way.
I began to see these women on a semi-regular basis, not every day and not always in the same place, but often enough that I actively thought of ways to avoid them because they always wanted to stop and chat. Maybe they thought of me as their shy new walking friend. And, what would I think upon seeing them? “Oh, no.”
Usually, I would meet them in the general vicinity of a park I had to cut through, so I experimented with different routes, simply to avoid these friendly women. In my mind, I started thinking of them as the “Shark Ladies”, because I felt like easy prey being circled by two sharks.
Intellectually, I knew I was making this into a bigger deal than it really was, but, emotionally, it was a sweet relief when I passed through the park area, which I thought of as the “Danger Zone”, without meeting the Shark Ladies.
Eventually, I found a route and a time which allowed me to walk to work having only rare encounters with the Shark Ladies. Whenever I would occasionally run into one or both of them, the old familiar feelings of anxiety would well up inside of me. I can guess what you’re thinking, “Geez. Antisocial much?”
The truth is that most of the social situations I try to avoid are because of who I am as a person. It usually has nothing to do with individuals or groups.
Obviously, I do not avoid all social interactions. I am not a hermit. Call it shyness, introversion, or antisocial behavior, the fact is that many of us find social situations, in general, to be uncomfortable. Often, I fall into what I call “lump'‘ mode. I will speak when spoken to, however, I do not seek out interactions. Basically, I will sit there like a lump. Maybe it is a defensive mechanism to protect myself from anxiety or possible rejection, I don’t know. It is difficult to analyze in the moment.
But, here’s the confounding thing. While I might not be capable of being the life of the party, I am capable of being a participant in my surroundings. My personality pie contains slivers of wit, engagement, storytelling ability, and sociability, among other things. Believe it or not, I can actually be quite talkative. Once I get going, I can blather on and on about important world events, or, most often, I seem to have a peculiar affinity for the most trivial and mundane of subjects. Every once in a while, my sociability door just pops open, and I step on through. I can find it difficult to access that on demand, however, and it certainly is not my personality default position.
This is where being antisocial becomes a disadvantage. For sure, it makes it hard for the people I like and care about to know which me they’re going to get in any given situation. Sorry, everybody.
There are people I genuinely like, with whom I seem unable to interact. Why is that? Do I put up walls to keep others out, or to protect myself from within? Is there a difference?
Another disadvantage is that there is no doubt I have missed out on meaningful relationships with other humans because of my aversion to interactions. Who knows how many wonderful friendships I would have if I could simply open up a little bit? Oh, well . . . I, uh . . . I guess if I’m being all forthright and introspective, I should confess that I really do not worry about that very much. I have plenty of other issues that should be addressed before I become too concerned about that one.
So, summing it up, it is my view that being antisocial can be a negative, or it can sometimes be a positive. It all depends on the makeup of each individual’s personality pie.
