Singles and Doubles Vol 2
The second installment of a popular feature.
1st INNING –
My nominees for Best TV Psychiatrist:
Discuss.
2nd INNING –
I have to say that, as a baseball traditionalist, I knew I was going to hate the new baseball rules, especially the pitch clock. Why? Because There Are No Clocks In Baseball, That’s Why! Actually, some baseball people are calling it the “pitch timer” to avoid any mention of the word “clock”. Like we fans won’t be able to figure it out. For the uninitiated, here’s how it works:
With no one on base, as soon as the pitcher receives the ball from the catcher or the umpire, a 15 second clock begins. If the batter is not in the batter’s box and “alert” to the pitcher with 8 seconds left, an automatic strike is called. If the pitcher has not started his pitching motion when the clock hits zero, an automatic ball is called. With a runner(s) on base, the clock starts at 20 seconds.
It pains me greatly to say . . . I kind of like the clock. (There, I said it.) Baseball had too much standing around, too much dead time, and this innovation has made a huge difference. The pace is much better. The batters do not have time to step out of the batter’s box and walk around, adjust their batting gloves and helmets and belt buckles while everyone else waits for the next pitch. Pitchers cannot stand there as if preparing to jump out of an airplane without a parachute. They can’t stare at the catcher endlessly while shaking off sign after sign after sign, or fool with their socks and cap after every pitch. (Both batters and pitchers still have time for a quick spit and a crotch grab, though.) The gamesmanship between pitcher and batter had gotten out of hand. A lot of the dead time in the game has been eliminated and fans can now enjoy baseball the way it is supposed to be played. Thanks to the pitch clock.
3rd INNING –
I have had a grudge against Burger King for so long, I cannot remember the reason for it anymore. It’s been decades. (I come from a family of grudge holders, especially on my mother’s side.) It would be a great sign of personal growth if I left the past in the past and strode confidently into the nearest Burger King, and in a clear, prideful voice, ordered myself up a Whopper.
Nah.
One positive thing I can say about Burger King is that it is the setting for the funniest YouTube video I have ever seen. Here’s the link:
4th INNING –
Speaking of funny, this is my Mount Rushmore of Stand-up Comedians (in no particular order):
5th INNING –
I used to work for the public library. The library administration was big on political correctness. Which, fine, but sometimes it seemed kind of silly to me. For example, we were directed to refer to homeless people as “people experiencing homelessness”. Following that logic, if I am without shoes I would not be called “shoeless”, I would be called a “person experiencing shoelessness”. Come on. Is the term “homeless” really offensive? If so, why? If I’m living on the street because I have no home, am I not homeless? What’s wrong with being called homeless, if you are, in fact, without a home?
6th INNING–
Let’s talk about men on TV. News readers, meteorologists (How did that become the label for TV weather people? It’s not like they study meteors.), sports announcers, Congressmen - they all look like they shop at the TV Man Store for the requisite coat and tie ensemble. That’s not what bothers me, although there is a certain bland sameness to them. What bugs me is that so many of them only button one button on their coats. Which means their ties show above and below the button. Stop doing that, you guys! You look like slobs! That’s the way clowns dress! Either button enough buttons to cover the bottom of your tie, wear a vest, throw away your ties, or leave your coat open, okay? I do not want to see the bottoms of your ties hanging out anymore, got it?
7th INNING –
I can’t remember the last time I saw a movie in a theater. It’s been years. I understand there is something unique about seeing a movie as it was meant to be seen - a communal experience in a surround-sound theater full of strangers. My perspective is this: I can watch a movie at home, on my own big screen TV, sitting on my own cushy sofa, with my best girl on one side, my favorite beverage on the other, and a warm kitty on my lap. I can use my own bathroom if nature calls, and I won’t have to wait in line if I want a snack. I can pause the movie for any reason I choose, for as long as I choose. And, I won’t have an insufferable moron sitting behind me talking through the whole thing when he isn’t coughing his covid germs all over me. Which is the better experience? (My wife thinks I’m getting more like Larry David every day.)
8th INNING –
2024 Presidential candidate and former governor of South Carolina, Nikki Haley, said something stupid a while ago. (Honestly, who is surprised by a politician saying something stupid?) She says that politicians who are older than 75 years of age should have to complete a mandatory competency test to hold elective office. Now, I am on record as saying both candidates in the 2020 Presidential election were too old, but guess what? I am not a candidate for anything; I am not asking for anyone’s vote. It seems especially idiotic for someone who is, and will be, grubbing for votes, to offend those folks who are most likely to vote. I know from personal experience that old people do not take kindly to having their cognitive abilities impugned.
On the other hand, maybe Nikki is on to something here. But, why limit it to those over 75? Why don’t we administer competency tests to everyone running for public office? Let’s give a civics test to all candidates. Let’s test for knowledge of the Constitution and general history of the United States. Think of how great it would be for our democracy to weed out those too infirm or too stupid to serve. Nikki Haley, come on down! You go first! Lead by example! No? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
9th INNING –
I recently left a job I had been doing for a long time. Perhaps I should have had this worked out beforehand, but I’m wondering, what in the hell am I going to do with myself now?
