Hear ye, hear ye, the Court of Norm is now in session! Judge Norm presiding! All rise!
Okay, everybody, thanks for the applause and the adulation, but please be seated. I have a lot of judgments to hand down, so let’s get to it. First, however, I must inform everyone that in the Court of Norm, I am the sole judge and jury of these proceedings. I am also the sole arbiter in the Court of Norm - Appellate Division, as well as in the Supreme Court of Norm. My word is law. Do not test me.
All right, first on the docket is a repeat offender, NFL quarterback and anti-vaxxer quarter-brain, Aaron Rodgers. He is charged with being an Asshole in the First Degree.
His latest brush with assholery is that he has suggested that the HIV/AIDS pandemic that broke out in the 1980s was entirely manmade, and connected it to former National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases director, Dr Anthony Fauci.
As quoted in a Mens Journal article by Chris Malone Méndez, Rodgers said,
"The blueprint, the game plan, was made in the '80s. Create a pandemic with a virus that’s going wild . . . Fauci was given over $350 million to research this, to come up with drugs—new or repurposed—to handle the AIDS pandemic . . . By the way, we know Fauci had [a] stake in the Moderna (AIDS) vaccine . . .”
The article went on to say,
“Fauci's purported links to Moderna, which presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (who coincidentally was reportedly considering choosing Rodgers as a running mate) also espoused, have long been debunked. Rodgers' claims of Fauci and other researchers engineering HIV with the help of the U.S. government for the purpose of unleashing a pandemic on the public have—to put it lightly—not been historically or factually proven. The virus is believed to have jumped from primates to humans as early as the late 1800s.”
For chrissakes, what is wrong with this guy? If science comes up with a cure for idiocy, Rodgers should be among the first in line to get it. Is there a conspiracy theory to which he does not subscribe? I hope Fauci sues the hell out of him. (Rodgers had better hope the suit is not filed in the Court of Norm.)
I do not need any more evidence. I find Aaron Rodgers GUILTY of being an Asshole in the First Degree. His assholery is so egregious and offensive, I find him to be Full of Shit, too.
Next Case.
So, this should be interesting. A class action case. Members of the class are those misguided folks who believe Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, is one of the great songs of the rock era. It is not. In fact, it is terrible. Those in the class are accused of having No Musical Taste Whatsoever.
I am old enough to remember when Bohemian Rhapsody first came out. I hated it. Hated. It. I actually may have only heard it all the way through just a handful of times, if that many. Because when I had control of the radio, I would switch it off immediately whenever that awful thing came on.
I hate it so much.
I dare say Bohemian Rhapsody just might be the worst popular song in the history of music, except for the reprehensible garbage of the disco era. (Disco Duck, anyone?)
I can’t think of one song by Queen that is even tolerable. I dislike all of them. But, I have a special, deep-seated animus toward Bohemian Rhapsody. It is the fried liver of the music world. I cannot stand it. Could it be possible that the rest of the world is wrong, and only I am right? Well, yes, in this case it certainly is. This is the Court of Norm, after all, need I remind you?
Care to guess what the verdict is? That’s correct, anyone who thinks Bohemian Rhapsody is a great song, is GUILTY of having No Musical Taste Whatsoever. My suggestion to you folks is this: Get help. Download an album by The Who. Or Rush. Or Pearl Jam. Or The Moody Blues. Or Foo Fighters. Or Alice In Chains. Or . . . well, you get the idea.
Next case.
Oh, no, it’s another repeat offender! It’s Moscow Margie! Marjorie Taylor Dumbass, what are you doing here again? Why don’t I pronounce you Guilty of whatever your latest escapade is and we can both get on with our lives?
Okay, Marjorie Taylor Dumbass, I find you GUILTY of . . . whatever. Now, get the hell out of here.
Next case.
Fox “News” stands accused of being a Serious News Organization. What, like real news? As in Walter Cronkite, Edgar R Murrow, David Brinkley, news as reported by those giants of journalism? Nah, come on, really?
Fox “News” deserves much blame for how fucked up and divided this country has become, with their blatant partisan entertainment masquerading as news. Bill O’Reilly? Sean Hannity? That Carlson guy? Don’t even think of calling those bullshit slingers “journalists”. They engage in “performative political extremism”. (I borrowed that phrase from Rex Huppke of USA Today.)
Of course, they’re just giving the people what they want. I laugh when regressives bitch and whine about “liberal media bias”. Aren’t more eyeballs watching Fox “News” than any of the others? Fueling the regressives’ conspiracies and hate? Hasn’t the ratings dominant Fox “News” machine stomped out dang near all of the influence of the “liberal media elite”?
Fox “News” has had kind of an uneven relationship with Dozo the Clown in the last few years. But, they certainly helped get him elected, and they are desperate to keep their audience of MAGA lemmings. Therefore, there is little doubt they will try to get Sleepy Don elected again. That’s all we need. (I wish I had a sarcasm font.)
Well, it’s time to deliver a verdict. Fox “News” is Guilty of a lot of things. There is a mountain of malfeasance piled up on their doorstep. They pander to the gullible, regressive, and conspiracy minded among us. However, in this particular instance, I declare Fox “News” NOT GUILTY of being a Serious News Organization. They are entertainers, not news people. They spew their hateful rhetoric to entertain their slow-witted viewers, then hide behind the First Amendment. It’s disgusting.
Anyone who thought the verdict would be different, hasn’t been paying attention.
Next case.
Kristi Noem. What can be said about this horrible person? Here are some things we know:
Pea-brained Republican Governor of South Dakota.
Abortion-banning, Covid mismanaging, MAGA ass-kisser and Sycophantic Orangenoser.
Banned from visiting tribal lands in South Dakota by several Native American tribes for making racist remarks.
We’re not going to adjudicate these charges in the Court of Norm. We know this awful woman is Guilty of these things. Why rehash the gruesome details?
Speaking of gruesome details, recently, excerpts from Noem’s upcoming book leaked out. As most people have heard, she tells the story of killing her 14 month old dog, still a puppy really, and a goat, because they were inconvenient to have around. She bragged about these horrifying incidents in the book, hoping to illustrate her exemplary leadership qualities.
Jesus.
How cold and heartless can a person be? Not to mention clueless and stupid. I don’t know if Sarah Palin ever executed a dog for doing dog things, but, if she did, even she wasn’t dumb enough to write about it in a book.
You know what? Let’s just get this over with. Kristi Noem is GUILTY of being a Stupid Fucking Moron and a Despicable Human Being. I can only hope I never see or hear from this idiot ever again. (In case it is not obvious, I am really angry about this.)
The only good thing to come from Kristi Noem revealing herself to be a puppy killer and a goat killer, is that she possibly killed off her political career, too. Good. Nice going, you miserable, cold-hearted shrew.
Good gosh, not him again. It’s the guy whose name I cannot bring myself to speak or type. That’s right, it’s the aforementioned Dozo the Clown, Joe Biden’s bloated orange predecessor, the worst president in US history, the guy facing, what is it now, 88 criminal charges? Yes, that guy. Why can’t he just go away - far, far away? Aren’t we sick to death of his stupid, ugly face, and his stupid, ugly voice, and his stupid, ugly hair?
Yes, yes we are. But, here he is, once again, in the Court of Norm. In the interest of saving the taxpayers of this great land a lot of time and money and agony, I am prepared to rule immediately.
In the matter of all 88 criminal charges against . . . you know who . . . the Court of Norm finds the defendant :
GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY.
Somebody take the defendant away and lock his criminal ass up. Be careful, that orange stuff looks toxic. Let the celebration begin!
The Court of Norm stands Adjourned!
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