Message to Men - Stop Whining

Whining Is For the Weak

I am a white man. I am not at all ashamed of being white or male. And, on the other hand, I am not particularly proud of being white or male. Why should my race or gender have any meaning to anyone? What difference does it make?

I am not naive. I am well aware that race and gender are very important factors in our society. But, why?

I can’t speak for women, but generally, doesn’t it seem as if more and more men are becoming afraid of, well, everything? They’re afraid of women, they’re afraid of science, they’re afraid of immigrants, they’re afraid of change, they’re afraid of their emotions, they’re afraid of intelligent critical thinking, they’re afraid of truth, they’re afraid of people who are different, and the list goes on and on. Why is this? Why are they so fearful?

I read a postmortem on the recent Presidential election which stated that the reason Putin’s Pinocchio overwhelmingly won the votes of men was because his campaign focused on showing men that they still matter in this modern world. If this is true, Jesus, what sorry little delicate flowers those men have become. Are their egos so fragile that they have to have the validation of a blustering, fake tough guy to make them feel better about themselves? How pathetic.

Look at all the delicate flowers. They’re pansies, I believe.

I consider myself an enlightened man, but I wasn’t always that way. I grew up in a typical patriarchal family. The menfolk worked outside the home and the women cooked and cleaned the house and took care of the kids. That is, except for my maternal grandmother. She had a job at a local hospital because her abusive, alcoholic husband was unable to work. I do not recall thinking anything about that as a child. She was doing what had to be done to pay their bills. And, of course, she still had to cook and clean and take care of her ten kids, in addition to working at her paying job. My grandmother did have the help of her six daughters before they left to get married and care for their own families and homes. The women were responsible for all those chores because, who else was going to do them? The males in the family would not have been caught dead doing woman’s work.

After I became an adult, I remember thinking it must of sucked to have been a woman back then. Let me be clear, though. I am in no way denigrating women who choose to be housewives and stay at home moms. On the contrary, those women deserve great respect. But, the women who choose a career in the workplace also deserve great respect. Women should not be confined to only traditional roles. They should be able to do what they want.

An American housewife in the olden days.

I suppose my pathway to enlightenment began when I moved out to live on my own. Living by myself taught me that if anything around my little apartment was going to get done, I had to do it. I was not a neat freak, but I knew I did not want to live in a shithole, either. After working a full time job all day, the last thing I wanted to do is cook and clean and do laundry. I had no choice but to do what had to be done. Living by myself gave me a tiny taste of what the women in my family had to go through.

My first job after moving away from home was in a bank. Seeing men and women working together, doing the same jobs, was very instructive. It showed me that a person’s gender makes no difference in a modern workplace. I learned very quickly to appreciate competence in a coworker without regard to whether the person was male or female. I also learned that competence and incompetence know no gender.

The women I worked with in that bank taught me a lot. I haven’t seen any of them for many, many years, but I appreciate the education they gave to a poor, wet-behind-the-ears country boy.

Men and women working together in an office setting. (Designed by Freepik. www.freepik.com)

Perhaps the best thing I learned in that job was to see women, and folks who are not as white as I am, as people. I realize how stupid that looks in print. But, I do not know how else to say it. I mean, sure, I see physical characteristics of folks who are different from me. I’m not blind, after all. However, we are all just people, aren’t we?

All of this is not to portray myself as a know-everything, super-wonderful, holier-than-thou, Mr Perfect Enlightened Man. I dislike lots of people for all kinds of sometimes petty reasons. Just not for reasons of race or gender. It has been said that when meeting someone new, my default position is to dislike the new person right from the beginning. Which may be true, but I see that as a personality defect, rather than prejudice against any particular group.

I do not use the label “feminist” to describe myself. Nor do I shy away from it. If “feminist” means supporting the rights of women and believing in the equality of women and men, then okay, I’m a feminist. I do not get why some men are so afraid of feminism. Perhaps they have unresolved issues with their mommies.

I do not fear women in power. I do fear incompetent lying criminals in power.

Is it so terrible a concept for men to share positions of power with women, and people of color, in hopes of making our society better for everyone? Why aren’t talent and ability and intelligence and being a good person, more important than race and gender?

It makes me gag when I hear men whine and complain about masculinity being in crisis, and how difficult it is to be a man these days. “Ooo, I’m a white man and I feel blamed for everything!” Or, “I’m not allowed to be a real man anymore.” Or, “I’m being cancelled because I’m a man.”

Just stop it. I am not suggesting that men should not express their feelings. I am suggesting that men stop wishing for the world to go back to the way it was, when only they had the power.

Times have changed and men need to learn how to adapt, or risk being marginalized, just as we men have marginalized every other group since the beginning of time. I encourage men to stand up for what they believe in, but for fucksakes, stop whining about it.

Men expressing their emotions? Yes. Men whining about how hard they have it? That’s a hard no.

And, another thing - Where do men, (and some women, unfortunately) get off telling women what to do with their bodies? Imagine the outcry if the government claimed control over the bodies of men, such as outlawing vasectomies. The phrase “My body, my choice” would take on a whole different meaning for men. Here’s a thought for those who believe the government should be involved in the healthcare decisions of women - Why don’t you mind your own goddamn business?

It’s all about power, I guess. White men have had power and privilege in this society since forever. That is an unassailable fact. This is not an expression of “white guilt” on my part. I feel plenty of guilt over the wrongs I’ve personally committed, but I have no interest in accepting personal blame for the past sins of white men. I have no problem acknowledging those sins as fact, however. And, I have no problem at all with teaching facts in our schools. America is a great country, but we are not perfect. We should study what our country has done wrong, to keep from repeating it in the future. Why fear the truth?

You know, back in the “good ol’ days”, the grip white men had on power was damn near absolute. Things started changing in the 1960s, and while we are nowhere near to achieving equality among the races and the sexes, that grip on power is not as absolute as it once was. Many white men fear their whiteness and maleness are under threat. And, deep down, perhaps some white men fear that eventually they might be treated as they have treated others throughout history. Could that be the root cause of their fears?

Acknowledging fear is not a sign of weakness. And, accepting the equality of other humans is not a sign of weakness. Giving in to fear by refusing to adapt to a changed world, and whining about how difficult it is to be a man? That’s weak as hell.

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